Dear Old Auntie Beeb – I’ve got a great idea, how about sending me and the family on a round-the-world trip to check out the facilities in the best hotels in six or seven capital cities? Informative and educational, a fleeting glimpse of an unattainable lifestyle for the average licence payer – and think of all the future contacts that can be added to the executive phone book. Great idea, don’t you think?
Dear Luvvy Central – I’ve got a great idea, how about letting me write the script for Eastenders one of these days? My knowledge of the interaction between people from many different backgrounds stems from personal experience and I used to read comics and play with puppets when I was young, so I’m more than qualified. A reality check for the average licence payer. Great idea, don’t you think?
Dear BBC Commissioning Officer – I’ve got a great idea, how about turning me loose in the long frock cupboard to produce another helping of Dickensian drama? It’s my opinion that one more version of David Copperfield, Bleak House or Great Expectations would go down a storm with the average licence payer and bodice-ripping scenes are always a tremendous boost for the viewing figures. Great idea, don’t you think?
Dear Beeb – I’ve got a great idea, how about a game show where z-list celebrities have to impersonate a well-known politician while cooking a meal on ice? Yes, I’m quite aware of the health and safety problems involved with using paraffin stoves on a slippery surface (didn’t I mention paraffin stoves?) – but these could easily be overcome with a three-month SAS training session for all the contestants. What a laugh it would be for the average licence payer, and think of all the free tabloid publicity when the sexy co-host is photographed holding a meat and two veg. Great idea, don’t you think?
Dear BBC – I’ve got a great idea, how about sending me and the family on a sun-drenched cruise around the Aegian Sea retracing the route of Jason and his Argonauts on their mythical quest for the golden fleece? Historical, cultural, classical, a fleeting glimpse of life 2500 years ago for the average licence payer – and I promise to send you a few bottles of Ouzo. Great idea, don’t you think?
Oops! Skip that last one – it’s already been done by Michael Wood at Mentorn. Yes, I know it was rubbish, but at least I wasn’t paying for it!
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