KICKING IN THE DOORS OF HISTORY

On the box Friar Baldrick leaps from shallow trench to shallow trench - strangely-garbed west-country Phil says "ear, look at this, ear's another piece of partery" - and the viewing public is transfixed as the ancient artefact is proclaimed to represent the kitchen of a Roman villa belonging to a high-ranking Latino invader .... I yawn.

It's like watching an hour-long documentary about the chemical constituents of the cracked varnish on the Mona Lisa - mmm varnish, mmm cracked, mmm more varnish - I yawn again.


I sometimes wonder if they know that the painting exists, but there's a gentleman's agreement that the first person to mention the historical anomalies is an archaeological cissy!


Britain is the Mona Lisa, the enigmatic key that can unlock the past - contrary to the blinkered beliefs of those who hide behind the well-paid solid oak doors of universities - it is the cradle of civilisation, the birthplace of astronomy and mathematics. It is Plato's Atlantis, the Garden of Eden, Noah's paddling pool - it's where it all began.


On a daily basis I attempt to inform those lettered Edwardians hiding behind the parapets about my discovery - when it was designed, where it travelled, what it means and the uncomfortable future consequences that the theory represents ... I kick doors.


Take five minutes to peruse the jewel in the crown - the centre of a prehistoric national scheme. It's accurate, it's ancient astrology and astronomy, apparently produced at a time when simple-minded hunter gatherers were hurling flints at tomorrow's dinner - maybe they had some spare time on their hands - "Oo look, ear's a door and someone's garne an kicked it!"

To get a closer look check out the video on Myspace.com/alangripton