Referendum? Those in favour say Och-Aye-Dee.

I tuned my wireless to the Home Programme and listened to that wee lassie Jocki McMalvern, I think she was quoting from my favourite book "Och the noo Labour" on the subject of introducing Identity Cards - such an orator, so dependable - I canny understand why youz English folk are not battering down the doors of the local DSS offices demanding that you carry the wee insignificant biometric retina-scanned dna fingerprint thingy in each and every one of your sporrans - I mean, it sooo sensible.

I turned down the volume on the gramophone playing the medley of memories from "Andy McStewarts White Leather Club" and listened closely to her soft dulcid arguments - "If you wanted to open a bank account or buy a car" she said, or "open a bank account" or "buy a car" or "open a bank account" - aye, aye, it did get a little repetitive - but that's the way that youz folk will eventually give up your meaningless opposition ... did I mention "open a bank account?" - aye, aye, I think I did.

Thank goodness that other woman, I like to call her English Vicky, didn't ask any questions about the referendum debate ... Jocki McMalvern is good, but she canna hold too much in her pretty little head at one time. Did I mention Bank account, ID cards, Big Brother? Ooops, skip that last one.

I stopped listening, it became juss-a-wee monotonous, I dipped my silver spoon into the steaming bowl of porridge and opened the newspaper at the horoscopes ... I'm on the cusp, February 20th, Pisces with the earth in opposition and Jacobite rising .... it said "An old enemy is watching you, but as long as you use the whip the self-serving labouring animals around your feet will do your bidding." Now what on earth does that mean? But there was more: "You have been given a golden opportunity, a Supermarket Sweep - grab what you can in the next two years and don't worry about the mess, fill up your trolley and run like hell to the Hills in the North."

I smiled - you know the smile, the one that I've been practicing for those camera thingies. I finished my porridge, leaned over and picked up a dictionary. I wanted to find another word for "Treaty" just to confuse the hostile natives. I wandered over to the window, it was a bright blue sky - but I do miss those green hills of home. Never mind, only two years to go. I checked my wristwatch, I think it's time for another review.